Joe Mathlete vs. The Internet blogcircle

An Amusing True Story About This One Time I Tried To Prevent Date Rape

2010-06-02T04:00:00Z

On my way from my car to go see a couple of bands play at a bar I notice a couple walking on the sidewalk about a half block away from me, a man and a woman, both dressed reasonably nice. The woman is talking loudly and angrily and having trouble walking in a straight line; the man is doing his best to steady the woman.

I cross to the other side of the street and keep walking.

As I get closer I can see the woman is not just drunk, but extraordinarily, famously drunk - frat party drunk, comatose drunk, vomit-at-any-minute drunk. Sick drunk. She seems to be struggling weakly against both gravity and her companion, who does not seem inebriated whatsoever, and moreso than that seems to be doing his best to shut her up and hustle her into the apartment complex they're now standing in front of.

It's not quite ten PM, central standard time, on a Saturday night.

The woman is clearly angry at the man, and clearly not used to being this wasted. The man, on the other hand, seems every bit as calm and collected as the woman is upset and disoriented. He also looks about ten or fifteen years older than the her, now that I've got a better look. The woman is yelling at him now, pushing at him. She takes a swing at him with her purse, misses, and falls squat on her ass.

I've had friends who've been drugged at clubs or bars. It's awful. When she fell onto the pavement like that I had to stop walking.

"Hey! Is everything okay?"

The guy looks up while attempting to help the woman off the ground. He seems more agitated now. "Yeah, we're fine."

The woman has been yell-muttering unintelligibly this whole time. She does not like being helped up. "She's just drunk is all," the man says. The woman starts protesting semi-coherently.

I'm bad at confrontation and I'm good at minding my own business but at that moment I was beyond pissed off at the guy. He went on a date with some girl, doped her up, and now he's trying to hustle her into his apartment before she passes out. At that moment he was everyone who's ever taken advantage of anyone else.

I raised my voice. "It's not even ten o'clock. Who gets this drunk at ten o'clock?"

He sighed a little bit. "My wife."

She steadied herself on his shoulder and yelled across the street to me "It's because I'm a Republican and he's a Democrat!"

I smiled and wished them a good evening, told them to take care. I continued on to the bar, grateful for the happy ending. I felt like shit.

My Thoughts on the Marmaduke Movie; or, My Life in the Bush of Marmaduke; or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Hating Marmaduke

2010-05-18T18:29:00Z

To paraphrase Stephen Sondheim: Hollywood used to be a breeding ground; now it is a receptacle.

Sondheim was originally talking about Broadway. At least I think he was; I can’t find any proof that he actually ever said that. Whatever, it’s a good quote. Broadway, formerly a bastion of American artistic innovation, is currently the home of Legally Blonde 2: The Musical 2, the sequel to a musical based on the film Legally Blonde 2.

Look what movies are coming out this summer: Sex and the City 2 (sequel to a movie based on a TV show based on a book based on newspaper articles), Iron Man 2 (sequel to a movie based on a 2nd-tier comic book), Jonah Hex (based on a 5th-tier comic book), The A-Team (based on a campy 80s TV action show), Macgruber (based on a series of TV comedy skits based on a campy 80s TV action show) Robin Hood (beyond being basically a Bible story in terms of freshness, it’s also for all intents and purposes a sequel to the film Gladiator), Step Up 3D (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!), Toy Story 3 (sequel to a sequel… in 3D!), Shrek Forever (sequel to the sequel to the sequel to a movie based on fairy tales and fart jokes), Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (based on the sequel to a computer game), The Karate Kid (remake of an 80s movie that spawned several sequels, starring the sequel to Will Smith), Ramona and Beezuz (based on children’s books which have already inspired filmic adaptations), The Last Airbender (based on an animated TV series), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (based on a graphic novel), Nanny McPhee Returns (sequel to a movie based on a series of books), Piranha 3D (remake of a movie that was based on ripping off Jaws), Predators (you know, like the movie Predator, but plural!), Dinner for Schmucks (remake of a French film from a decade ago), Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (sequel to a movie called Cats and Dogs that I’d never heard of until I Googled it so I could write this). That’s not counting films whose plots are just lazy retreads of previous films. And that’s also not counting the Marmaduke movie.

I will say this right now: if there exists a finer metaphor for the creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film system than a movie based on a half-century old comic strip that has been recycling the same five gags since blacks and whites had separate drinking fountains, I cannot imagine it.

I will also say this: I wish people would stop asking me about it.

Click these words to read the rest of this post.

A bright and shiny future

2010-01-19T18:47:00Z

Thanks in part to Hollywood's refusal to pass up a terrible, terrible idea (see previous post), this is shaping up to be a busy year for me. I've got a couple of announcements I'm not quite ready to announce yet, but in the meantime didja notice the slick new layout we put together for the new Marmaduke Explained archives over at 29-95.com? It's now much easier to navigate, and I'm working towards getting the previous installments posted there as well. Can't you already feel how much life is already improved? Food tastes better, music sounds better, laughter comes from the heart.

If you've got some perverse loyalty to Blogger.com (who, to be fair, have been very very good to me) and have yet to check out the new stuff, you're missing scads of important water cooler moments such as

"Marmaduke is afraid of vacuum cleaners because he is a dog and all dogs are afraid of vacuum cleaners"

and

"Marmaduke expressed his anal glands on some throw pillows to indicate which couch his owner-couple should purchase"

and

"Marmaduke is cosplaying as Natasha Henstridge's character in Species"

and

"Marmaduke writer/creator Brad Anderson is like totally tripping"

and

an emo joke at least four years past its expiration date.

I draw cartoons, too - yellow ones about dating and green ones about everything except dating. Why yes, they ARE highly derivative of the Far Side! Thank you for noticing.

The future: so bright it stings.

20th Century Fox Film Corporation is an asshole

2010-01-07T02:10:00Z

Hit me with all you've got, Owen Wilson. I will keep fighting the good fight.

This bears mentioning

2009-10-30T17:43:00Z

I'm still explaining Marmaduke, quite regularly. Today this happened and I figured I ought to share.

Here's a link to the new Marmaduke Explained archive again, and here's a way to find a lot of the other stuff I'm writing at 29-95.com. Also you can just google "Joe Mathlete" any old time you want and see what pops up. I've done it before, it's neat. You should try it with your own name, too.

Marmaduke Explained running every Monday Wednesday and Friday

2009-05-18T08:55:00Z

For the time being at least. On 29-95.com, a website on the internet. Check 'em out at http://29-95.com/timesuck; if you click on the tag ("Marmaduke Explained") on any given post you can get to all the previous ones pretty easily.

I've only been doing them a few weeks there and already I've hit my first "just a bunch of all-caps swearing at Brad Anderson" wall. C'est la 'duke.

If you are into Twitter I have one of those now

2009-05-18T08:36:00Z

It's right here. I've only been doing haiku so far and I think I'm going to be able to stick with it. Feel free to be my Twitterbuddy or however that works.

I am Twitterbuddies with Slim Thug, it's awesome. He doesn't want to take blood pressure medicine because he won't be able to get an erection. This is a fact that I know.

Also totally do go to www.29-95.com/timesuck to see things I do.

(side note: if you would describe yourself as "into Twitter" without being prompted, no offense but we would probably not hang out as I still don't get what it's about and in a lot of ways I am weird about the internet to begin with)

Hi there Houston: I will be at the Art Car Parade Saturday drawing stuff for free

2009-05-08T18:20:00Z

The Art Car Parade is an annual event here in town where people who drive Art Cars come from all over the country and close down streets I usually drive on and a lot of years I forget about it until I have somewhere to go and I see all these orange cones and I go "shit, it's this thing again." I have been before and it's pretty neat, though; people from all over the country who drive Art Cars (which can range from cars meticulously decorated to look like things like sharks or tanks or cockroaches to just cars with a bunch of random shit glued to them for no good reason) come to my town and go crazy for several days, and it culminates in a big parade on Saturday.

I have been set up with a little booth where I'm drawing pictures for people, taking requests like with the thing I used to do with index cards. It should be a lot of fun. Come say hi if you live where I live and are going to be at the parade and I'll draw you something silly.

In other news, Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios Week continues for some reason on 29-95.com. Finalists include The Beastie Boys, the crew from the Ricky Gervais Podcast, Yo La Tengo, Stella, and The Police (that one should be up sometime later today).

Marmaduke Explained lives.

2009-05-04T21:15:00Z

Lookit lookit lookit the first post over here at 29-95.com. I'm totally doing these on a regular basis again. They've got RSS feeds and other web two point oh things I honest to god still don't understand, if that makes it easier on you. Also, like I said in my last post I'm writing other stuff (this week is Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios Week, for some reason. I'm also reviewing The Godfather Part III - again, for some reason).

I'm probably one step closer to getting sued. Break out the champagne!

What you have been missing if you haven't been looking at 29-95.com

2009-05-04T21:23:00Z

A bunch of stuff by a bunch of people writing about stuff, first of all. If you were specifically interested in stuff I was doing:

A review of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on mute

A Shrek-themed wedding and the existence of Warcraft pornography make me upset

How Was I Not Fired, Part Two

Lotsa comics (scroll down a little bit)

One of my favorite local bands plays a song in my living room

Marmaduke Explained (still pisses me off after almost three goddamn years)

Coming soon: a review of the Godfather Part III where I mostly just ask a bunch of angry rhetorical questions and swear, a review of the Wolverine movie co-authored by my childhood, and a continued listing all week of the Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios.

Check out the Now Train, future-style! (tm)

(sorry)

29-95.com - a few words about a thing/future of Marmaduke Explained

2009-04-24T03:43:00Z

So:

I'm writing for a new website, like on an everyday-type basis. It's called 29-95.com and it's based out of Houston, my hometown. They've got most of my stuff in the "Time Suck" section, on account it's SO ADDICTIVE IT LITERALLY SUCKS AWAY YOUR SPARE TIME LIKE A VAMPIRE. So far it's a couple of crudely-drawn comic strips, "Sauce Policy" and "Dating is Hard," as well as a work in a similar vein to my Great American Blog stuff. Some highlights:

What I Think Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" Sounds Like, Without Ever Having Heard It

How Was I Not Fired

Can Your Preacher Turn Into an Airplane?

Drawing Index Cards, Live In Person

Ruined Movie Soundtrack Smorgasbord

Now: I know a lot of you never cared too much about the other stuff I've done, and that's cool; I always thought it was silly when the host on SNL wanted to sing a song, regardless of their background or interests or whatever. I mention this here rather than on my other blog for three reasons:

1. It stands to reason this blog just gets more traffic, even when it hasn't been updated in forever (which is often lately)

2. I did mention it on my other blog, in more depth

3. Starting sometime in the next few weeks, I will be doing Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke on 29-95 on a regular basis OH SNAP ASHTON!

Still working out some specifics, but yes, after over a year I will be back on a regular schedule explaining Marmaduke. Stay "tuned" for more information; I'll let you know what I know when I know it. For now, if you'd like to read some more in-depth thoughts about the new site, please read 'em here.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

29-95.com - Joe Mathlete returns to the internet! Like, every damn day!

2009-04-24T02:34:00Z

First of all: 29-95.com. BUT: Maybe more importantly:

What I Think Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" Sounds Like, Without Ever Having Heard It

How Was I Not Fired

Can Your Preacher Turn Into an Airplane?

Drawing Index Cards, Live In Person

Ruined Movie Soundtrack Smorgasbord

As you guys have noticed, I don't update this blog very often anymore, nor any of the blogs I keep. There are reasons for this: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You may not find all of those valid or relevant, but they were all factors for me laying lower than I did in, say, 2007. But if you miss those heady times when I worked an office job and was so bored that every day I'd do something like replace one word from every CNN.com headline with "Grandpa" (I had better days, too), well, I wanted to let you know I'm writing stuff on a daily basis again, and you should read it 'cuz it's good.

The website, like it says up there, is 29-95.com. That's the latitude and longitude of Houston, my hometown, of which I am very fond (true story: I am actually wearing a shirt that says "it's okay to (heart) Houston" right now; I considered taking a webcam picture of the lame coincidence but a) seemed contrived and b) I've had the flu for a week and a half and I look like a doodoo zombie.) Though the site is Houston-centric, I won't actually be writing about Houston too often, though.

My section's called Time Suck, though I'll sometimes be doing work in other sections. I'll be giving them at least one post a day, plus two original comics, "Sauce Policy" and "Dating is Hard" (you can scroll down to see the first few) and a poorly-shot video of a band playing in my living room every two weeks. They haven't really set any limits for me; they've actually used the words "my playground" more than once, which I am okay with.

Honestly, the guys who have started the site have been enormously cool to me; my editor, Sara Cress, has given me an enormous amount of creative freedom, and between my freelancers checks and living like a pauper in an extraordinarily affordable city I am able to live mostly off of this. After a year and a half of working mostly as a movie theater lackey (see above, "How Was I Not Fired"), a grocery store food guy (it was a really good one but had crazy downsides, and anyway they fired me) and an actor (shut up), it will be wonderful to focus on writing goofy shit again, and drawing goofy shit again, and actually spending time on the internet again. I hope you'll check it out.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

P.S. -- I literally did almost forget this: Starting soon, I will be doing Marmaduke Explained on the new site. Like, regularly.

2009-04-22T00:15:00Z

Marmaduke's owner-man can justify it however he wants, but there is only one explanation: he lets Marmaduke dig because he is a big pussy.

2009-04-13T06:39:00Z

Marmaduke tipped a cab driver with a bone. But presumably he paid the actual fare with cash, which honestly seems much weirder to me...

Sometimes I find myself thinking about these things for too long and it's never good for my health.

2009-04-06T19:11:00Z

Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson has a dim awareness that something significant is going on in the news lately with economics, and he might as well try to write a comic strip about it.

Dating is Hard

2009-04-03T20:20:00Z

Side note - I have a big announcement to make soon. Really!

2009-04-01T20:32:00Z

Marmaduke is so big and humongous, it would take a whole entire tow truck just to pull him off the sofa!

2009-03-30T09:41:00Z

Marmaduke is about to sodomize a banker into signing his owner-man's loan papers.

And yes, before I get any emails, Marmaduke will probably eat the banker after he sodomizes him. What else would he do?

2009-03-26T16:49:00Z

Marmaduke vomited the contents of a child's toybox and a couple of femurs onto an old lady.

2009-03-25T02:41:00Z

Taaaaaaaake... Onnnnnn... Meeeeeee...