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The snow outside looks peaceful
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I give up. I'll stand outside in the rain instead.
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Honor Requested
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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Snares down the barrel
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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How To Praise
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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I think I remember why I liked my vacation.
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I give up. I'll stand outside in the rain instead.
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The Eminent Placebo
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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Penetrating The Head
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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The story simply wasn't true
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
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What to expect ahead?
by Brian Hayes (noreply@blogger.com)
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One Stop Thought Shop
From treedub:
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Read Recently
by Chris Willmore
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Travel updates
by Chris Willmore
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Thesis is turned in!
by Chris Willmore
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Read Recently
by Chris Willmore
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Interesting sample pair
by Chris Willmore
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Blog redesign
by Chris Willmore
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Wasting time with PyOpenGL, or, Spherical coordinate systems are awesome
by Chris Willmore
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A couple puzzles
by Chris Willmore
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Recently read
by Chris Willmore
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An abbreviated WAW today, as I spent most of Tuesday wandering around Manhattan in the pouring rain and I think somewhere outside the Citigroup tower I was able to pinpoint the exact moment I contracted pneumonia.
So if you're concerned about not seeing Disney Faries: Tinker Bell, Singstar Country, Rubik's Puzzle World, Six Flags Theme Park, High School Musical Three, MySims Kingdom or Scene It Office Smash, I assure you they came out this week, and they're all crap. And then there's this crap:
Okay, so at worse it's going to be Oblivion with a Mad Max skin. I don't think there's any real reason to think it'll work out that way, but that's your baseline. Bethesda doesn't make bad games, and provided you're willing to pretend Brotherhood of Steel was never produced, there's never been a bad Fallout game. And really, even if it's not a hundred percent faithful to the Fallout universe or ethos, isn't it about time we had a western RPG that broke free of high fantasy?
Y'know, one not already made by Bioware. What I'm saying here is that, at worse, you're still looking at what's probably going to be the best WRPG of the year. If it can live up to it's promise, then it's going to be very, very special.
Imagine Party Babyz (Wii)
You have to admire the breadth of vision with Ubisoft's Imagine series-- not only is it a full-on assault against good gaming, but it also actively reinforces gender roles by convincing young girls that their proscribe career paths involve babysitting, tending house and little else. Now we have Party Babyz, in which Ubisoft makes the argument that babies should be used as personal combatants in frenetic party games. I can't say I'm disappointed with this development, as the next obvious step is Imagine: Baby Cockfights, where you strap kitchen knives to infant foreheads and the the little runtlings scoot about until one baby is left crawling.
Now here's the sort of stereotype-shattering title that only hardcore gaming can deliver:
Yeah, it's a good thing no one at NOW owns a DS, otherwise we'd be fucked. Still, there's nothing about this game that's convinced me I can't not buy it.
Motorstorm: Pacific Rift
As much as I've enjoyed the antics of lolSony over the past two years, I gotta admit to indulging in more than a bit of fanboy jealousy over the Motorstorm franchise. It's simple, well-constructed arcade rally action, something that Sega just can't get right anymore and Codemaster's Colin McRae games simply aren't interested in doing. Plus, it looks simply fucking stunning in HD, one of the few titles that you can point to as being unquestionably PS3-like as far as graphics are concerned. Pacific Rift looks particularly neat, as it's taking Motorstorm's formula and adding evolving track design that features paths that can be each be exploited in thier own way by Motorstorm's varied vehicle classes. I want to play this, and am annoyed at the utter lack of an analogous title on the 360, especially with with no recent news on the horizon of the Rallisport followup Turn 10 is supposedly working on.
NEXT WEEK~!
NARUTO: ULTIMATE NINJA STORM is MOCKED AND DERIDED
I attempt to summon interest in GEARS OF WAR 2 BRATZ KIDZ: SLUMBER PARTY threatens to bring SEXUAL DEVIANCY charges against me!
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?: Make the Grade (DS)
This is actually a pretty neat game, as it's very meta. Here's how you play:
1: Buy Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader
2: Find a 5th grader with DS
3: If said 5th grader is playing any game other than Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader, you fail.
Back at the Barnyard: Slop Bucket Games (DS)
The existence of Slop Bucket Games raises a number of troubling questions:
*Why does THQ hate us?
* If you're in the market for Slop Bucket Games, do you consider yourself above the Harvest Moon series?
*Is there an artificial insemination minigame using the stylus as a syringe full of cow semen?
*If not, why?
*Why on earth is this being sold for thirty bucks?
Bioshock (PS3)
It's good to see the PS3 finally become as viable as the 360--
--from August 2007.
I question if Bioshock can still hold up as a AAA title. I loved the game when it first came out, and consider it GOTY for 2007, but perhaps more than any good game in recent memory, it doesn't really hold up well after the initial play through. The vaunted Little Sister gameplay mechanic never fully realized itself, and the Big Daddies held little threat after the first five hours of gameplay. It was a game victim to it's own multitude of options-- once you started exploring the levels and gaining weapon upgrades and powerups, the game became almost absurdly easy. But the story and setting are enough to make this must-play material for hardcore gamers, it's just a shame the game never really lived up to 2k's own expectations.
Disney Sing It (Wii, PS3, PS2, 360)
I can remember a time back in the 32 bit era where a Disney karaoke game would be contending for the most embarrassing thing to happen to gaming for the entire year, between the N64 shaped like Pikachu and news that Sega was calling their new system the "Dreamcast". We would stand around the Babbage's counter, share a laugh about these developments while talking about how awesome Parasite Eve before going home alone to masturbate to jpgs of hentai pornography.
Now I'm not sure I'd be willing to call Sing It the most wince-inducing videogame so far this update.
Eternal Sonata (PS3)
Note to PS3 owners: don't bother sending out resumes to Ernst and Young.
Fable 2 (360)
I loved the original Fable to death, right up until about the three hour mark where I realized I was basically playing a fenced in Zelda with funny accents. That said, I felt Fable could be a legitimate AAA game if it weren't for a few fundamental flaws:
* A main quest that lasted all of five hours
* No consequence at all given the lauded good/evil gameplay mechanic
* Three-foot high fences that were impervious to jumping, axes, magic and swearing
To counter these complaints, Peter Moleneux endowed Fable 2 with the following:
* A seven hour long main quest
* Map dog
More distressing to fans of the original game are Moleneux's pleas to the gamer press to "Please don't review this game in the same way that a hardcore gamer would. In fact, if you could get non-gamers to review Fable 2, that'd be better. Maybe someone blind and without thumbs. Do you have a dog? Dogs are good. Hey, you remember Dungeon Keeper, right? "
A month ago, Fable 2 was up there on my list of must-buy titles of 2008, along with Fallout 3 and Mirror's Edge and Prince of Persia: The Next One. Now Fable 2 ranks somewhere between elective spleen removal and purchase of a grocery bag full of skunk anal scent glands.
Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon (PS2, PS3, PSP, 360, Wii, Sinclair ZX Spectrum,-- just kidding, it's not actually on the PSP )
There are some concepts so brain-dead obvious for translation to videogames that developers just can't get right. Transformers games, for instance. You'd think a game about cars and jets that turn into robots would be a natural for the digital form-- but the Mech Game Corollary comes into play and ruins any attempt at creating a decent game of the concept.
Same way with dragon games. They're huge, breathe fire, fly, eat villagers, generally ruin shit. It seems like they'd be obvious candidates for the basis of good gaming-- However, unless the game features Panzer Dragoon in the title, dragon-based games are downright horrible.
So wither the Spyro franchise. which has had sixteen games, five developers, and virtually every game-capable hardware platform to create a single memorable videogame experience, yet when you ask hardcore gamers what we think of the series we're stuck trying to remember if that was the one with the commercial of a marmoset screaming into a bullhorn outside of Nintendo HQ.
As far as this particular Spyro goes, this is the first game in the series that allows the player to fly at any time during the game-- which, I dunno, you'd figure would be the main component of a game series based on being a flying, fire-breathing lizard. It look these people ten friggin' years to finally think that free flight would be a good idea?
Media Molecule has exceeded my wildest expectations with this title-- If I had to guess any company to finally unleash the Jihad Al-Talib upon gamers, it'd have been Sega. Good work, guys.
Lovely Lisa (DS)
I'd do more research on this title, but I'm positive I've been placed on a New York State pedophile watchlist just for looking up the box art on Gamestop.
Master of the Monster Lair (DS)
This would appear to be a combination of Tecmo's Deception and Monster Lair using the DS, and if hearing that doesn't cause a tingling in your nether regions then you're reading the wrong website.
Midnight Club LA (360, PS3)
I'm not really sure what Midnight Club is doing anymore that Need for Speed doesn't do every single year.
But it's a dry year for quality racers, and it's not like Rockstar makes bad games. That said, you'd think Rockstar would be clever enough to figure out a way to include Midnight Club cars in GTA4 and vice versa.
Naruto: Clash of Ninja Revolution 2 (Wii)
Fuck this noise, I'm going to use this paragraph to talk about a real ninja game-- Legend of Kage 2 for the DS.
I've not been shy in my opinion that ninja games make the very best videogames-- even the passing presence of ninjas can largely suffice to make an otherwise annoying and obtuse game kickass, as evidenced by Metal Gear Solid's Cyberninja.
LoK2 is the very essence of a ninja game-- insanely high jumps, air dashes, rampant eviscerations, busty women in improbably loose-fitting gis-- add in a giant rock dude and a healthy dose of superfluous bare breasts and you've pretty much got Ninja Scroll, the videogame. It's development was quite obviously a labor of love from Tatio, much like Space Invaders Extreme before it, and it's presence makes me yearn for the same treatment to be given to Shinobi and Ninja Gaiden and (especially) Strider.
It's not perfect, but then what is with gaming, especially when you're dealing with a very deliberate throwback to the 8 bit era-- the graphics are sparse, the levels largely interchangable, the DS Lite buttons entirely too small and indistinct for the type of game you're playing-- but it represents what I feel to be the very essence of gaming, and encapsulates so many things of what made me fall in love with the medium that I can easily overlook it's faults. At twenty bucks we should probably all own it, if for no other reason than to become a little more grounded in an age of Wii Sports and Guitar Hero and Brain Training. This is a videogame, unapologetically so, and something that deserves our attention, if not devotion.
Pass the Pigs (DS)
We now have a videogame based around a game based around tossing rubber pigs on a table and seeing how they land. We're talking about a mechanic barely a step removed from tossing coins in the air, and THQ is selling it to an unsuspecting public for twenty dollars. A random dice roller is more sophisticated than this game! I don't know to be horrified or amazed.
Penny Racers Party (Wii)
Prior to filing this report, I had the pleasure of being privy to an exclusive interview with Tomy CEO, Kantaro Tomiyama:
Nfinit: It's a pleasure to meet someone with such an initmate connection with the industry an how our games are HOLY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYEBALLS?
Tomiyama: Shortly before my company got into the business of producing videogames, I was invited aboard the experimental starship Event Horizon. Upon that ill-fated voyage I saw sights so horrific that I felt compelled to tear my own eyeballs free of their sockets. In unrelated news, I recently promoted myself to Tomy's Quality Assurance team lead.
Spider-Man: Web of Shadows
Funny thing about Web of Shadows-- it may wind up being a better Fable 2 than Fable 2 itself. At the very least it looks like it may actually deliver on a storyline the player has some actual input in the outcome of, and something actually resembling a good/evil mechanic that does more than effect housing prices.
It looks incredibly well-done, which surprises me, as I associate Treyarch more with Call of Duty games and cash-in movie tie-in games than AAA-contender titles. The fact that comic book games have generally sucked since Capcom stopped doing Marvel Vs games doesn't help its pedigree.
Star Ocean: First Departure (PSP)
The only thing this game does is annoy me that we're never ever ever ever going to see a proper Phantasy Star V.
Touchmaster II (DS)
Upon closer inspection, this game has absolutely nothing to do with Ifeelmyself.com. I feel betrayed. And drowsy. But mostly betrayed.
Wii Music (Wii)
I'm not going to get into the argument if Wii Music is or isn't a game, all I know is it's a game that I have no interest in whatsoever. But that's okay, I'm not interested in Beverly Hills Chihuahua either, but it doesn't keep me from enjoying W.
The larger question is if something like Wii Music-- which firmly establishes Nintendo as a lifestyle company instead of a videogame company-- is harmful to the industry as a whole. May be. But I know this is also the same industry and same console that allows me to play No More Heroes and Mad World and Mega Man 9, so the damage must be limited in scope-- after all, we're talking about the same industry that generated 13 billion dollars in 2006 while selling Okami and Gears of War and Twilight Princess. There's simply too much money to be found selling games to hardcore gamers for something like the Wii Music-- or the Wii in general, really-- to do any sizable, long-term damage.
But you do have to be worried about Nintendo-- when Shigero Miyamoto is no longer interested in Zelda as much as he is in flailing his arms vaguely in time with the theme to Zelda, you may have a real, quantifiable problem.
Avatar: The Last Airbender: Into the Inferno (DS, Wii, PS2)
Avatar has this weird TMNT vibe where it has fans entirely too old to be following a Nickleodeon cartoon series, and not in the ironic Spongebob way, and generally speaking Gen X children do not rank among Avatar's target audience. Combined with this game supposedly representing the last Avatar season ever, there's good reason to believe that THQ may make an honest attempt at raising this title above shovelware status.
To that end, Into the Inferno lifts gameplay elements from Okami and Twilight Princess, all which serve to make the game sound interesting until you remember it's a Nickelodeon game from THQ. It may be Perfectly Acceptable Gaming for twelve year olds, and as long as you're willing to go into this game with the realization that it's not really supposed to be aiming higher than that, it'll probably at least be enjoyable.
Blitz, The League II (PS3, 360)
I like that Midway went with Roman numerals for this franchise, it helps to have an air of gravitas when you're curbstomping the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Steamers into a drooling retard.
Further innovations from the Madden formula include Lawrence Taylor as a playable character, which we can only hope means a minigame where you collect and deliver hookers to rival team's hotels the night before your game.
Boogie Superstar (Wii)
You remember Boogie, right? The first big exclusive release for the Wii by EA, everyone convinced themselves it was going to be something interesting and new before it turned out that it was basically Singstar with random wiimote waggle?
This is that, but with songs by Aly & AJ. If you buy this, you're part of the problem.
Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer (DS)
At this point we can only assume something horrible happened in Yves Guillemot's formative years to cause him to hate gaming and gamers to the point where his life's goal is to bring to Ubisoft's financial might to bear upon the singular goal of destroying our hobby. To that end we have Ceasear Millan's Dog Whisperer, which we hope is a more openly sadistic Nintendogs.
Dead Space (360, PS3)
Among the first in a wave of self-professed Very Important Games to be released this holiday season, Dead Space would appear to be a blatant and unapologetic merger of RE4 and Aliens. Which probably isn't bad thing. I just have a hard time trusting a game set forth to be the centerpoint of a media franchise instead of being a fundamentally good game.
Like everything else EA does these days that doesn't involve the DS, it'll be competent and polished and hard to find any actual fault with, but also diluted and detached and shipped with two or three flaws that feel like were left there entirely to give the devs something to improve upon for the sequel(s).
And I'd be lying if I said I'm ignoring all the above for Mirror's Edge.
Dokapon Kingdom (Wii, PS2)
Gameplay video reveals an attempt to create a party game out of bog-standard menu-based JRPG gameplay, an idea that looks even worse than it sounds.
FIFA Soccer 2009 (everything)
If I can't be bothered to summon enthusiasm for videogame representations of sports I actually enjoy, why would you expect me to have anything interesting to say about soccer games? The only point of interest this game holds for me is the chance to edit Manchester United's AIG sponsorship to Amtrak.
Golden Axe: Beast Rider (PS3, 360)
As a Sega fan dating back from the original Shinobi, the most frustrating aspect of Sega's downfall-- you know, aside from utterly incompetent management and the abject failure of the Dreamcast-- was seeing Sega fumble away it's classic franchises. While the golden age of JRPGs waxed and waned with the Playstation, we never saw a proper Phantasy Star followup; while Strategy RPGS came into their own on the GBA and DS we saw Shining Force reinvented as a Diablo clone; while Mario 64 was redefining the platformer, we were forced to accept the perversion and humiliation of Sonic the Hedgehog. So in that regard it's good to see Sega did nothing with Golden Axe for nearly twenty years.
I should like this game. I loved Golden Axe, I love DMC clones, I love beheadings, I love busty redheads topless on horseback. I mean, I should have the pre-order slip for the LE sitting in my wallet, right? There should be a Beast Rider wallpaper on my desktop, right? So why can't I summon interest in Beast Rider, much less excitement?
It's Sega, of course. This is the company that couldn't even get Shinobi 3d right. Sure, God of War: Tits Edition ought to be hard to screw up, but Sega's already shot themselves in the foot by failing to include the one thing that sat the original Golden Axe apart, multiplayer. Dave Halverson ejaculating over the disc in October's Play magazine didn't help matters, as people who remember Bullet Witch can attest.
Then there's the developer, Secret Level, who's last title of note was Final Fight: Streetwise. Until proven otherwise, this is strictly bargain bin fodder.
I'm operating under the assumption that the sequence of events depicted above represents a hallucination brought about by badly expired taco meat. The only other explanation involves the company that's funding Mirror's Edge spending ten million dollars developing a series of games where you run a pet shop full of dogs suffering from Down's Syndrome, and that's not a universe I wish to be part of.
Naruto: Path of Ninja 2 (DS)
You may wonder how Naruto: Path of the Ninja 2 fits in with last week's theory that all ninja games are awesome, always; and I counter that by saying that a ninja game really isn't a ninja game unless dismemberment is heavily featured, and I don't think Naruto features limbs forcibly removed from their parent bodies. I can't be bothered to verify this theory though, as all my attempts at Naruto research somehow ended in Sakura Haruno bondage hentai. Can't fault me for not trying, though.
Rock Revolution (PS3, 360, Wii)
Rock Revolution-- the Libertarian Party candidate of guitar games.
(I should probably stop with that, right? I probably don't really need to point out that Konami would make more money selling Guitar Freaks song packs on Rock Band, right? Right, carry on.)
Saint's Row 2 (360, PS3)
The sandbox game for people who thought Crackdown was too cerebral.
SR2 is a throughly by-the-numbers GTA3 clone, but it appears to be enjoyable despite that, and to be honest it's been long enough since GTA4 for there to be good reason to look into SR2 if sandbox games are your genre of choice. You just sorta wish there was more to say about the improvements from the first game outside of Tera Patrick.
Socom: Confrontation With Headset (PS3)
Here we see Hideo Kojima's influence finally filtering down to Western developers.
Tak: Guardians of Gross (PS2)
It's always reassuring for the entire first page of google results for a game to result in links regurgitating the press release pablum. It's my theory that the Tak games exist as a way for THQ to repackage unsold copies of The Polar Express game, and if you're in Tak's target audience you have no real way of knowing the difference or even particularly care anyway.
Ten Pin Alley 2 (Wii)
It's good to see gaming finally embrace the one-legged schoolgirl market. Alas, I'm not sure if this represents a step down or step up for XS game's last effort, Funkmaster Flex's Digital Hitz Factory.
You have no idea how badly you wish I was making that last bit up.
NEXT WEEK~!
LITTLE BIG PLANET confuses; infuriates non-PS3 owners!
WII MUSIC urinates on the bleeding, ravaged corpse of the videogame industry
FABLE 2 probably sucks!
Harvest Moon Tree of Tranquility (Wii)
I'd like to say I conducted an exhaustive research of Japan's agriculture industry to shed insight to the insanity inherent in Harvest Moon, but in honest truth I spent about fifteen minutes in Wikipedia and all I could find was that an agriculture ministry employee was once reprimanded for editing the Japanese-language Wiki entry for Gundam two hundred and fifty times.
The gimmick for this particular entry in the series is the ability to farm your own offspring in addition to pigs and horses. You may then restart the game as your child, and may in turn again bed your own father or mother-- I might that repulsive if I hadn't already spent my formative years reading Heinlein.
Silent Hill Homecoming (360, PS3)
When the first word Gamespot uses to describe your franchise is "venerable", you may have a problem. The Cincinnati Reds are venerable. The British Motor Corporation is venerable. Senator Ted Kenned is venerable. Game series shoudln't be venerable, especially a series that debuted as a late-generation release for the PS1. How does Silent Hill fade into the realm of "venerable" when we're still holding serious debate over the lack of tank controls in RE5?
As far as this game in particular-- who knows. Something something soldier missing family something fog something Pyramid Head rape something. If you pre-order with EBStop, you get a free DVD of Silent Hill: The Movie, which may be the first instance of a calculated effort to prevent pre-order sales.
Sonic Chronicles: Dark Brotherhood(DS)
Try not to make logic of 1up's 9.0 review score-- down that path only lay long nights of Neogaf and hard drink. Rest assured that Dark Brotherhood is probably terrible, if for no other reason than it's association with Sonic and it's insane, degenerate fanbase. Yeah, that's right, I'm callow enough to pass judgement on mass media experiences based on the fandom for that franchise. This is not altogether irrational-- Tom Cruise is insane; Tom Cruises' fanbase is insane; no one really takes Minority Report seriously anymore.
(If Sega is the Tom Cruise of this relationship. that means Bioware is Katie Holmes. Which I think makes Dark Brotherhood the Suri Cruise of videogames. I'm probably overthinking this.)
We Cheer (Wii)
I'm onto your game, Namco. Between We Cheer and Idol Master you've moved into the lucrative market of ferriting out closet pedophiles for local sex crime law enforcement agencies. This theory also explains many of the more troubling additions to Soul Calibur IV:
What I'm saying is, buy with cash.
Pop Cutie: Street Fashion Simulation (DS)
I live in New York City. I know what "Street fashion" implies. Vomit crusted beards, a pair of pants composed of three other pairs of pants joined with an insulating layer of newspaper, a suspciously nice overcoat-- not this:
(Also, being a programmer for Koei of Japan has to be the most soul-crushing game industry related career short of Gamestop night manager, right? If you're not working the Dynasy Warrior salt mines, you're stuck producing yaoi cosplay simulators. What happens when this company buys out Tecmo? We're all buying Ryu Hyabusa's Magical Shibuya Adventure, right ?)
Princess Debut (DS)
I'd like to take this moment to congratulate Clay Akins on his courage and his flabbergasting amount of obliviousness regarding America's perception of his sexuality.
Mobile Ops: One Year War (PS3, 360)
Gameplay video would appear to reveal a mixture of Earth Defense Force and Shogo: Mobile Armor Division. Following our earlier discussion on how console mech games are never ever good, it's going to be interesting to see exactly how Namco manages to fuck this one up.
Valhalla Knights 2 (PSP)
Etrain Odyssey for the PSP, but stripped of maps, character, personality, and dominatrices. Also, gameplay appears to be based around setting your teammates on auto attack while you run toward the camera.
NEXT WEEK~!
Fracture: Because the statute of limitations on Red Faction has expired!
Guilty Gear 2 Oveture causes me to bleed from my ears!
I make hot sweaty manlove to Legend of Kage 2!
Upcoming 8-26-08
Following an unprecedented 12 month span where no games were released or announced I, your faithful servant, return to warn you about what you should under no circumstance spend money on this coming Wednesday. Luckily for your 401k, despite a relative heavy deluge of gaming this week nary a single one is worth venturing forth from your impoverished hovel to obtain.
Playstation 2
DT Carnage PS2 Racing
Not a lot of information exists on DT Carnage, including review scores-- the few things to be found other the standard PR palbum is it's price-- $15, and it's publisher, Agetec. Which is more than sufficient evidence for anyone with any self respect to ask themselves why they're purchasing videogames at a Wal-Mart.
Ferrari Challenge Trofeo Pirelli
A racing game with four times as many names as car makes, Ferrari Stradale Challenge Truffle Profiterole reeks of the same sort of cash-in mentality that brought us Ford Racing and Corvette Challenge. Of course, Ferrari are remarkable whores, so this should come as little surprise, you'd just have rather they would have had more dignity than to farm out the Prancing Horse to a developer who's last game of any note was Impossible Mission. For the Wii.
Shining Dragon
At first glance this would appear to be another in Sega's endless attempts to wring blood from the Shining series stone without having to actually bother making something resembling a Shining game. But no, it's a piece of anime fighting fluffery based off something called "Ikki Tousen". If you should happen to be an "Ikki Tousen" fan, this probably means something to you, if not this game shouldn't mean anything to you either, unless you're willing to drop $14 on an end-of-cycle Japanese 2d fighter that'll probably sell 10,000 copies and-- Oh who am I kidding, I may as well preorder now. Maybe there's an LE with an Ikki Tousen mousepad or something.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09
If you're the type of person who buys golf games, you're probably not the type of person that reads review scores to golf videogames, and you're certainly not the type of person that reads articles talking about review scores to golf videogames. Like you weren't going to buy this anyway.
Playstation 3
Ratchet & Clank Future: Quest for Booty
This would appear to be a downloadable standalone expansion for Whichever Rachet and Clank Was the Last One, which in itself is a rather neat idea, after all it's nice to see aftermarket content for something that isn't an FPS or racer, and a 360 owner, I'd like to see more stuff along these lines come to Live. PS3 owners however, probably aren't thrilled to receive what amounts to an utterly mediocre map pack for a series that has snuck it's way into becoming Sony's flagship franchise. But it's either this or spend more money on song packs.
Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice
So this is interesting, if not exactly good. What we have here is a sequel to Disgaea-- an critically overlooked strategy RPG that quickly became a cult hit among the weeaboo set-- transported over to the PS3 with little gained from the process other than higher resolution sprites. Which in itself isn't all that bad-- after all, if there's anything we need more of is turn-based RPGs in the vein of Shining Force-- But you have to question Atlus' sanity, seeing that the vast majority of their fans have as yet seen little reason to upgrade to a PS3, and reasons diminishing by the day. Even the horrific spectacle of Disgaea mutilated to fit on the Nintendo DS will sell more than this.
Vampire Rain: Altered Species
I don't know how you can combine Metal Gear Solid and vampires and make a bad game out of it, much less a horrible one, but Artoon managed to do so and now they're hoping they can catch, shell-shocked PS3 owners unawares as well. Eighteen months might buy you a new subtitle and better box art, but the shame still shines through.
In addition the PS3 will receive versions of Tiger Woods '09 and Ferrari Tourino Fratelli Garbanzo Trebuchet-- Set your resolution to 1080p and re-read what I wrote beforehand.
Wii
Mario Super Sluggers
Remember that Mario baseball game Namco made for the 'cube? No, of course you don't, it's a Mario baseball game, even the most slavish of Nintendo devotees have to be reminded of it's existence. Well, this is that, but with waggle tacked to one end, sealed in shrinkwrap and shoved in the face of the Wii Sports set in the hopes none of them played Mario Superstar Baseball either. And of course, they won't have, and of course it'll sell thirteen million copies.
Freddi Fish: The Case of The Missing Kelp Seeds
Like I'm Even Going to Bother.
Margot's Word Brain
The only way this could be even marginally interesting is if it were "Margo's Brain Rot". Moving right along...
Pajama Sam: Don't Fear the Dark
Now you're just screwing with me, Nintendo, there's no way you actually allow--
Spy Fox In Dry Cereal
So this would appear to be Fail Week for Nintendo, as we skip NES quality standards and go right for Chase the Chuckwagon territory. If you're reading this next week and hear me talking about General Custer Wii, upgrade your videocards.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 All-Play
Take my last Tiger Woods comment, pull the resolution back down to 480p and combine it with the entry for Mario Super Sluggers. Then get rid of all that, as golf is a sport that actually makes sense for Wii functionality, and EA has assigned it's head development team Tiburon to this title, unlike every other damned time they've make a Wii game and left it to languish to three guys with a PS2 SDK in a garage somewhere in Austin, Texas without air conditioning. With a major developer treating a Wii platform title as it's flagship SKU for the series, perhaps we'll finally see a renaissance in third par--
Kidz Sports: Crazy Mini Golf
---nevermind.
Xbox 360
Crash Time: Autobahn Pursuit
I have no clue what this thing is, and no one outside of IGN does either, and all they're doing is regurgitating the official PR docs. But apparently it's a chase game-- whatever the hell a "case game" may entail-- that's associated in some way with a German action TV show. It's thirty bucks and by the screenshots would appear to involve German armored personnel carriers in some fashion and while it sounds hard to imagine how you can make a bad game out of that, we've already went over Vampire Rain today. The fact that the developer's last game of any note was something called "World Racing 2"-- I guess "General Racing Product 2005" wasn't spartan enough-- doesn't help alleviate my concerns. But it is my understanding that ramps are involved.
Tales of Vesperia
The 360-- despite all logic, common sense and wishes of the larger gaming public-- remains the go-to system for next gen roleplaying games. Which, you know, would be great news for Microsoft if this were 1997 and it were possible to sell a videogame system based on the amount of support Square/Enyx throws your way. I've never played a Tales game, I guess if you're into this sort've thing you already know if you're going to buy it or not.
(While we're here--Vesperia? At least Symphonia had a recognizable root word. This sounds like it was bankrolled by a prescription lung decongestant)
Castle Crashers
Unless you're the remarkably rare confluence of hardcore gamer and golf enthusiast, this is undoubtedly game of the week, maybe even game of the month if Mercenaries 2 winds up sucking wind. My fellow Live Arcade subscribers have been waiting since 2006 for this title, patiently ignoring the fact that if it'd be on any other online network we'd have spent the past six months playing this bastard child of Knights of the Round and Alien Hominid into the ground as it cleared Microsoft certification. My only real concern for this title-- other than if it's worth dropping $15 bucks on if you're not a subscriber to Live Gold-- is the difficulty level vs Behemoths' last game, the aforementioned Alien Hominid. It's as yet unclear if Behemoth knows how to build a fun game, even if that game looks like it can't possibly go wrong.
Nintendo DS
The DS is the usual swamp of shovelware this week, littered with luminaries such as "My Chinese Coach" and "Sims 2 Apartment Pets" and a friggin' Digimon title of all things. But there is a new Harvest Moon game out for it this week, as well as N+ finally moving to the platform it was destined for. And if you haven't bought Bangai-O Spirits yet, do so. Otherwise 2008 is looking dire up until Chrono Trigger.
PSP
The Week in PSP in summary:
In a startling turn of events, this actually turns out to be a decent week of gaming, even in the face (or perhaps because of) of legions of slavering Madden fans descending upon stores come Wednesday morning. Also, Persona 3 pops back up again, after what Atlus will only describe as a "printing error" leading to a three week delay. If nothing else, this should prove a fascinating social experiment as okatu and jocks mingle in the same annoying, stress-inducing line at the local EBStop.
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)
Apparently Raven's kept the visuals up to par with the 360 version (Which sounds impressive until you remember everything in this genre is zoomed out to something just under low Earth orbit) and it's a third of the asking price for the next-gen versions of this game. If this is your thing and you haven't picked it up yet, it looks to be a decent diversion. Even if this isn't your thing, you have to figure it's at least twice as good as The Red Star, and doesn't feature a minute and a half of unstoppable credit screens every time you want to start the game.
The timing on this is actually rather remarkable, as it gives dads something to keep their kids shut up about while huddling in the living room with Madden.
Fatal Fury Battle Archive (PS2)
Pay attention. This is something incredibly rare in gaming, a package that's so brilliantly fucking fantastic and priced so low that hardcore gamers cannot justify not owning it. Game companies simply don't do this sort of thing anymore, and as much as I hate the whole "reward consumerism" mindset, it's something that's deserving of our retail dollars. Herein you will find Fatal Fury, Fatal Fury 2, Fatal Fury Special and Fatal Fury 3, on one disc, for fifteen fucking dollars. And okay, yeah, while you're probably either going to wind up playing FF Special or FF 3 and not touch the rest of the disc, it's still a rather incredible event to witness, especially if you're of the generation that can remember calculating exactly how much overtime they'd need to work to justify a Neo Geo purchase. Fifteen years ago this package would have cost you something along the lines of eight hundred dollars to collect, and that's not counting the price of the console itself. I could not possibly recommend this enough. Now if there was just some way to convince SNK to release a disc consisting of their non-fighter, non-Metal Slug Neo Geo stuff. There's an entire generation of gamers out there who've never played Magician Lord!
Madden '08 (PS2/PSP/360/PS3/Wii/DS)
The yearly event that exposes the rest of America to the dank, filthy halls of EBStop is upon us again, causing us to both recoil in horror at what we may one day become and begrudgingly admit that without stuff like this it'd be impossible to justify Shadow of the Colossus and Bioshock.
A quick rundown of what each version features:
Persona 3 (PS2)
And now, presenting the case for Persona 3:
Well, I mean, if you insist...
Also, apparently you contact the spirit world via repeated ritualistic suicide. That's kinda different. And as always, the Last Great Hurrah of the PS2 until something comes along next month to further justify never buying a next-gen system. I swear, this generation isn't going to end until we wind up with seventeen million unsold copies of Toy Story 4 buried somewhere in Utah.
Metropolismania 2 (PS2)
No reviews for this thing exist, and every preview site googled up regurgitates the exact same PR boilerplate. But it looks like SimCity for people who order pocky online-- since Natsume is involved, I can only assume there's cows and an awkward dating game involved somewhere. So yeah, imagine Harvest Moon, only you're a city planner, and instead of crops you've gotta harvest crack rocks and manage prostitutes. Only everyone's got enormous fucking doe eyes, so it's even creepier than what I just described.
Dungeons and Dragons Tactics (PSP)
What the hell is this and why is it on the PSP instead of a system I want to actually own? It's a tactical RPG using D&D 3.5 rules, and if you're the sort of mutant like I am and actually enjoy D&D 3.5 combat, you're a tad dumbstruck at the thoughts of a videogame appearing on the PSP that may just justify removing your firmware hack in order to play.
Seriously Wizards, fuck you. Aren't you guys aware that PSP owners don't buy videogames?
Pile o' DS Crap: High School Musical and Operation Vietnam.
I'm almost positive I've seen High School Musical: Making the Grade here before. What possible quality control issues can be involved with a High School Musical game that could even remotely justify a delay? Was the text replaced with nothing but anti-Semitic slurs? Did someone screw up the order form and buy a half million blank Game.com carts? Was AIDS found lurking in the staples binding the instruction manual together?
As far as Operation: Vietnam goes, just imagine. This is how Vietnam vets think our generation views the sacrifice of their youth:
With any luck our nation will refuse to go to war ever again under the fear that game developers will make shitty games about the experience.
Finally, a trio of shockingly good DS games by way of Japan.
Heroes of Mana (DS)
It took the better part of three years, but someone finally built a quality RTS entirely around the DS, and it's coming from Squeenix of all people. To confound matters, it's coming under the guise of a "* of Mana" game that doesn't suck the will to live out of anyone attempting to play it.
Rune Factory (DS)
Natsume has plastered IGN with banner ads labeling this as a "Fantasy Harvest Moon", which I guess tells you everything you really need to know about this. Of the one recent review to come of this to show up on Gamerankings Nintendo Power docent seem to like it much, bestowing a 70%. But then, Nintendo Power gave Puzzle Quest DS a 40%, so what do they know?
Luminous Arc (DS)
And to compliment Heroes of Mana, someone remembered the DS ought to have a lot more Strategy RPGs on it than it does by now, and thus we have Luminous Arc-- Which by all appearances is your bog-standard SRPG affair with your demons and fallen gods and all that noise, but hey, it's gotta beat playing through Tactics Advance for the seventeenth time... So you know, you can play this to death until Tactics Advance 2 comes out. And since it's published by Atlus, you get to stare at stuff like this for sixty hours.
Also, apparently it comes with a dating sim minigame. So this is pretty much the greatest "I'm a social pariah yet I still need to go to work everyday" videogame ever created.
NEXT WEEK! I Spy Treehouse for the DS! Brunswick Bowling for the PS2! Something called Bioshock for the 360!
In a startling turn of events, this actually turns out to be a decent week of gaming, even in the face (or perhaps because of) of legions of slavering Madden fans descending upon stores come Wednesday morning. Also, Persona 3 pops back up again, after what Atlus will only describe as a "printing error" leading to a three week delay. If nothing else, this should prove a fascinating social experiment as okatu and jocks mingle in the same annoying, stress-inducing line at the local
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)
Apparently Raven's kept the visuals up to par with the 360 version (Which sounds impressive until you remember everything in this genre is zoomed out to something just under low Earth orbit) and it's a third of the asking price for the next-gen versions of this game. If this is your thing and you haven't picked it up yet, it looks to be a decent diversion. Even if this isn't your thing, you have to figure it's at least twice as good as The Red Star, and doesn't feature a minute and a half of unstoppable credit screens every time you want to start the game.
The timing on this is actually rather remarkable, as it gives dads something to keep their kids shut up about while huddling in the living room with Madden.
Fatal Fury Battle Archive (PS2)
Pay attenti...
I'm going to let you into a dirty little secret of mine, one that's even more perverse than my Lucy Lawless as an English nanny
I collect videogames.
Yeah, okay, so we all "collect" videogames, but when I say I "collect videogames" I mean in the way that some people "collect comics" and other people "collect comics". I mean buying Valkyrie Profile for $120 and only playing it long enough to see if it boots up. Or buying copies of Zone of the Enders 2, simply because every so often I catch it selling for five bucks at Blockbuster. Or owning a copy of the Dungeons and Dragons Arcade Collection for the Saturn despite having no earthly idea what's going on, seeing as how the entire thing is presented in unsubtitled Japanese. So when I saw Archangel Studios selling The Red Star for The PS2 off their website for twenty bucks, I figured it'd be worth hitting up on the off chance that it may suffer from a low print run, what with it being a fairly niche game produced by a small publisher released at the end of a console's life, a combination that saw many a hundred dollar Ebay special for the Saturn and PS1.
Then last week at Best Buy I saw The Red Star in the budget rack alongside Ford Extreme Racing, so I went and broke open my copy.
And surprisingly, it doesn't suck! Now I'm not going to say it's a great game, because man, it's not great. Not at all. Or even particul...
With official word of the oncoming price drop of 360 consoles come this Wednesday, it has come to my attention that Microsoft will now feature no less than for distinct SKUs, staggered at price points that defy any attempts at rationalizatinon. Some would call this an embarrassment of riches. Other people, who are not slavering Xbox 360 fanboys, would call it goddamned retarded. In any case, it's all very confusing, so I, humble servant to the gaming community that I am, will provide the public a breakdown of each SKU, along with the associated pros and cons.
Xbox 360 Core
Price: $279
Pros:
Cons:
This week gamers saw an enormous setback as Daisenryaku 7 Exceed (and with it it's whomp-ass cover art) had it's release pushed back over a month, presumably to allow Crave Entertainment to explain exactly what it is they're trying to sell to retailers. Until then, gaze upon the wonder that might have been--
They could sell this game for $170 and wrap it in hepatitis-encrusted razor wire, and I'd still buy it. In other news, this week's real, honest-to-god released videogame selection is pretty goddamned horrendous.
Tomb Raider Anniversary (PSP) (80%)
I know what you're worried about, PSP owners. Sure, Anniversary may bring the classic gameplay of the original Tomb Raider to the PSP with prettified graphics and modern game design elements, but what you really want to know is how well Lara's ass has handled the translation to the handheld medium.
And it saddens me to report, not well. Not well at all.
Anyone else remember Midway?
Nice little arcade company, made Joust, Cruis'n USA, SCUD Race, a couple of really awesome retro compilation discs? Yeah, those guys. Midway. Most recently known for giving John Romero a job for a few months until he decided to fuck off and make MMORPGs instead.
Midway has been trying to claw it's way back into the public eye and it's upcoming John Woo Presents:Stranglehold may represent a turning point for the company. After all, it's presented as a "sequel" to Hard Boiled (Thus the "John Woo Presents: of Stranglehold) and movie franchise aside, the game looks genuinely intriguing, what with the team from the well-regarded Psi-Ops behind the project.
Fortunately for gamers already despairing over their abused wallets this upcoming holiday season, any concerns that Midway should somehow screw up and turn JWP:S into a decent game are readily dispelled by Midway's...
World Championship Cards (PSP/PS2) N/A
Now, I'm not going to deride this sort of thing as pointless, as there is a market for casino games, and that market provides the money that supports the justification for Atlus' entire library. I do, however, wonder about the wisdom of putting this sort of game on anything other than a handheld system. The DS or PSP is practically made for this kind of casual pick up n' play fluff, but I have a hard time imagining that there are people who have access to God of War, Burnout and Soul Calibur at home and decide "hey, I'll play a game of virtual cribbage". And if those people do exist, why couldn't we get them to play Phantom Dust?
Crazy Taxi Fare Wars (PSP) N/A
Speaking of casual pick up n' play fluff, this fits the very definition, and handily doubles as vindication for those who think Nokia was too quick in killing the N-Gage.
You can see in the distance where the game gives up trying to render Crazy Taxi and wants to draw Moon Patrol instead. In all fairness, a portable disc containing Crazy Taxi 1 and 2 sounds tempting...
Rented this last week, lacking anything better to do as well as basic common sense. The sheer awfulness of the Bullet Witch experience cannot be properly translated if I incorporated other games into this update, so I'm giving the title it's own review.
Before I begin, I'd like to give Cavia Inc, the developers for Bullet Witch their due and point out exactly what Bullet Witch does right:
When the schoolgirl outfit for the main character, Alicia, is selected and you have Alicia running up stairs, you can see directly up her dress.
In order to avoid claims that the point of offering a strong, independent female lead is negated when users can easily select blatantly sexualized outfits such as "catholic schoolgirl" and "naughty secretary", or (and so help me god I"m not kidding) "sexy mummy outfit", the game neglects to transfer these new outfits to cut scenes, allowing Alicia to call upon her supernatural powers to leap from outfits that barely cover her buttocks to an elegant black silk ensemble in the blink of an eye when confronted by NPCs.
Things Bullet Witch does not get right:
The...
(Submitted to The Platformers 7-25-07)
Gaijin Box
Gaming otaku don't know how good they've had it.
Back in the sixteen bit days, fans of Japanese games had to go through outrageous contortions to satisfy their cravings. With more than a half dozen console companies and a of myriad hardware configurations, we had to either accept the paltry few examples of Japanese gaming genius that washed up on our shores or happily march into bankruptcy.
Sony's Playstation made everything exponentially easier. Gaming otaku enjoyed and embarrassment of riches as Japanese developers hopped aboard Sony's bandwagon. The result was a hobby that was not only less expensive, but no longer did devotees of Japanese gaming need to dedicate an entire entertainment center to enjoy the entire Capcom product line.
For over a dozen years, the story was much the same. Sure, Sega lingered around for a while and there was always the odd Konami or Treasure novelty popping up on Nintendo's hardware, but Japanese game fans never needed to want as long as they owned a Playstation, and the...
The thing that's struck me the most about this series is that, for the most part, games are terrible.
I'm not talking about merely mediocre, or games that are enjoyable if you're a fan of the genre. No, the vast majority of videogames should not be purchased, rented, played or are worth spending any amount of precious time you have left on this mortal coil with. Most all videogames are, in fact, detriments to human civilization, proof to the likes of Roger Ebert that gaming can never be art, and that gaming is a vapid waste of time probably not even suited to a child's intellect.
Which is why my job is important. I'm here to tell you that, despite being the biggest week of releases in over a month, there's not a single worthwile gaming experience to be had there that's not Persona 3, and the only reason I can't bring myself to deride even that game is because I enjoy the art direction and I haven't been able to understand what's going on in a JRPG in 12 years. If you buy one single game this week other than Persona 3 and Guitar Hero 80's edition, you're not just wasting money, you are a bad person and I don't want to be your friend!
PS2
NASCAR...
I've noticed that while I'll often bitch about the gaming industry and make fun of upcoming games and generally piss and moan about any number of things that don't really matter when taken into the larger overall picture of the eventual entropic heat-death of the universe, I rarely if ever talk about the games I play. And while it's not unusual in the blogosphere for hacks to snipe about subjects they do not themselves take part in, I really do play videogames, and have a passion for them. To rectify this situation I before me a list of the games I have played this year and will over the next few weeks select three at random to expound over in a not-really-a-review sort of way. (And when I say random, I mean random. I'm sitting here with a pair of d10s and everything. This is the sort of hard hitting authentic journalism you'll never find at Joystiq!) Up this week, Crackdown, Valkyrie Profile II, and Pac-Man CE.
Crackdown: I rented this, as there was no way in hell I was paying sixty dollars for a five hour game (nevermind the whole Halo 3 beta thing), and I found myself pleasantly surprised that it wasn't totally awful. It's really nothing like sandbox games that have come before it, (what with a lack of side missions or anything resembling an over-arching storyline) and the nearest thing I can think to compare it to would be what would happen were a person to try and create a...
Today I'm going to talk to you about Senko No Ronde, because dammit, someone needs to.
First, a logic puzzle. If you saw this on the shelf at the local StopGaming, what gaming wonders would you think lay within?
I'll tell you what you'd think, you'd think you were going to play some whacked-out Japanese game featuring anime girls with enormous hooters. In other words, unadulterated fun.
In contrast, what would you think when presented with... this?
You'd think the disc within contained some sort of vaguely sci-fi third person shooter, the sort of thing the Xbox 360 has done plenty of times before, only this time apparently based on Lego's Bionicle franchise.
The games above are both Senko No Ronde, and it is indeed some whacked-out Japanese awesomeness featuring a cast of anime chicks with enormous boobs, but you wouldn't know this thanks to Ubisoft's utter (and typical) cluelessness. It is a 2d fighter/Shump hybrid set within a lush 3d engine, the very definition of a niche Japanese...
Upcoming 7-17-07
Another steaming pile o' mediocrity this week, as next-gen owners get to chose between two football franchises that aren't Madden (and thus doubly irrelevant) while Nintendo owners, who so totally are not in the middle of a summer drought, get to keep playing Super Paper Mario. There is something resembling a high spot for the PSP this week, if you squint at it hard enough and don't already have the PS1 original on your Memory Stick.
PS2:
NCAA Football '08 (n/a)
It's sorta like Madden, only without the pesky problem of paying the players for use of their likenesses.
Hot Shots Tennis (78%)
To put things in perspective, for console gamers who aren't of football games and don't...
At this point you have to figure the gaming journalism industry owes Sony some money.
After the most boring E3 in the history of E3, where the biggest news to come out of the biggest industry convention of the year was G4's almost absurdly bad Microsoft conference coverage, here comes Sony with a double dose of the crazy, just like your meth-addled paint-huffing brother stumbling out of the garage in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
At the start of E3, we had a hundred dollar price cut on the Playstation 3 in America. Well, not really a price cut, more like going through the motions of a price cut, but you get the idea. By the end of it not only did it turn out the price cut was a sham, it was a sham and a lie. There is no price cut, there never was a price cut. They're dropping the price on the old, Emotion Engine enabled models and once those run out-- which will be about a month-- the price goes back up as the new, more profitable 80gb PS3 goes online.
For Sony, the honeymoon is over. No one's going to trust Sony anymore, not the developers who had already expressed disinterest at the prospects of Sony's trifling $100 price cut, not the hardcore community who feel used and made fools of, certainly not retailers who have been fed a line from Sony since the PS3 was released and promptly stalled. Any momentum, any good will, any trust Sony had built in the three days of mildly good news coming out of E3...
You guys remember the PSP, right? Annoyingly long, black, big screen, lousy battery, good for emulating PS1 games, got stomped by the Nintendo DS because no one ever made games for it?
Well, Sony's got all that shit figured out. Behold the PSP...P?
See, they're going to counter the DS Lite because it's... it's...
...
White?
And that would appear to be it. It's white, and the D-Pad is supposedly improved, and it's now thinner (which is akin to Lindsey Lohan combating her image problem by losing more weight), but you ...
